Journal 7/17/19

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I told my past self

"you are amazing"

and couldn't fully believe it.

I pulled away from my past self

and cried.

Why is it so hard?

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Some recent good, no-fluff converstations have made me consider where I truly am on my self-love journey. I've been thinking, "surely I am doing okay at this. I tell women all the time how amazing they are!" But after speaking with a fellow photographer who truly has done the work to love and accept herself including her shadows, and during a therapy "tapping" appointment, I've realized how far away I am from fully loving ME. All of me. So, here's my plan... to write about it, and let you in behind the scenes as I work on it. And by doing so, give you permission to join me. So I opened up the OMM app and did a free-form typing journal. This is new to me. Here I go.

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I just need to show up and do my best. Because I am uniquely me. I need to refrain from looking at what other people are doing, because they are not on my path. I know what my clients need. This is my art. I want to get women together and talk about tough stuff. I want to truly believe that I am worthy. Deeply accept who I am. Fully love each and every day, and this season of my life.

Do not wait until tomorrow, for only today is guaranteed.

I need to surround myself with my goodness. So instead of wallowing, or going back to those darker times, I look around and only see the love. The success. The joy. How well I served clients, friends and family in the past. And that I can do it over and over again. My business is service. Not only a product. People will come to me because of me, not just because of the product I create. But because of an energy I put out into the world... full of curiosity, and care, and love. I can see people in a way that they cannot see themselves. I am great at that. My superpower is making someone feel comfortable and confident in their self while being photographed.

I need to have the ablilty to turn that care and concern and love as a mirror to my own self. Appreciate my body for what it is now. Rolls, wrinkles, fat, and all.

Fat. Yikes. That has a feeling attached to it. I've never really used that word on myself... but it's there on MY body. And on almost every body I know. Why does that feel negative? Fat. There are people I have met who try as hard as they can to put fat on their body. And they are shamed for being too skinny. We can't "win." Fat is fat. Fat is normal. Fat is good. It is a THING. It does not define a person. I have the luxury to feed myself what I desire. But it's time to 1) Take back control instead of being complacent, because my body deserves better 2) Work on neutralizing, accepting, maybe even loving, all the parts of me.

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I am amazing. I am beautiful. I am hiding. I am a healer. I am lazy. I am creative. I can see others in a way they cannot see themselves. I love what I do. I love providing images for people's walls. I want to capture everyone who means something to me. Before they pass. And that could be tomorrow or ten years from now, or thirty. But I don't want to wait. They are worth it. I am not annoying by asking. I am giving a gift. I am a gift. I felt a tingle through my body. Do I belive that yet? I am a gift. ... no? I provide a gift. yes. I am full of .... it. Ha! I am full of love. I am full of care. I am full of life. I am a cat lover. He is in front of my screen right now. I get distracted. I procrastinate. I didn't look at my phone first thing in the morning, and that felt good. Kind of weird. Like I was missing out... but I wasn't. There was nothing for me on my phone that I needed to see right in the morning. I am waking up. I am finding peace. I am amazing... wait for it. I am amazing. This is hard. I am amazing. Not today. I am amazing. Believe it, you can do it. I am amazing. I am amazing. I am amazing. I am amazing. I am amazing. I am starting to smile. I am amazing. I am amazing. I am amazing. This is fun to type. I am amazing. I am amazing. I am amazing. I am amazing. I am closing my eyes. I am amazing.

Concentration broken thanks to cat. We'll come back to it tomorrow.

Amy Paine